5 Reasons Guys Swipe Left

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5 Reasons Guys Swipe Left (1)

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15 Reasons We Swipe Left

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  1. You look like a pedophile, serial killer, or crazy person (goes without saying).
  2. You are holding up a carcass of a dead deer/bear/duck/bunny. If hunting is your thing that’s cool, but we don’t need to see Bambi dripping blood from your arms. That being said, assault weapons in four of your five pictures kind of creep us out too.
  3. Your photos obviously span at least a decade, with no indication which photo is most recent. Although we kind of suspect it may be the one where you are 20 pounds heavier and actively balding.
  4. You have awkwardly cropped photos of your ex (or exes) out of all of your photos. Or worse, you are in pictures surrounded by different women with no indication if they are sisters, friends, ex wives, baby mamas etc. We do not want to spend time finding this out.
  5. On that same note, you have multiple pictures with babies or children. Don’t get us wrong, pictures with kids are adorable, but please give us some indication what is going on here: Are they your niece/nephew, best friend’s kid, baby you stole for a photo op? Otherwise we will assume you have 7 kids. Not knocking on fathers, just let us know what we are getting into!
  6. You are clearly drunk or in the process of getting drunk in the majority of your pictures. We are looking for fun, but we did the frat boy thing in college. Enough already.
  7. You have only one picture and no profile. And this should go without saying, but no picture at all is a definite NO. We like a little mystery, but that’s a gamble we aren’t going to take.
  8. Similarly, you have a hat or sunglasses in all of your pictures, or they are all taken at such a distance we will not be able to recognize you in public. It’s scary enough meeting an internet stranger in person.
  9. Same theory applies if all of your photos are with a giant group of friends. We don’t have time to play Where’s Waldo.
  10. Naked pictures of any kind. Naked mirror pics. Naked selfies. Creepy gym selfies are also included. Nope.
  11. You have multiple pictures of your car/motorcycle/ATV/boat collection. We are not interested in these things so we are not impressed. Show these off to your boys.
  12. You are dressed as woman, comic book character, wearing renaissance garb or any other strange outfit at an event that is clearly not Halloween. We wish we didn’t have to even make this statement, but these have all happened. Stop it.
  13. You are soliciting your business in your profile. If we need a plumber/electrician/stripper/IT guy we will use Google to find a legitimate professional not a Tinder creep. KThanksBye.
  14. Memes. Everyone loves a good meme. Your profile is for photos of you. We do not want to scroll through six memes before finally finding out what you look like.
  15. Along with that…you are not Cam Newton, or Peyton Manning, or Tom Brady, or Michael Jordan, or whatever celebrity athlete is trending right now. We know what they look like and your profile is not a good place to remind us that you are not them.

Reasons We Swipe Right

  1. You aren’t doing any of the things mentioned above.
  2. We find you reasonably attractive.

See guys it’s not so hard. Just don’t look like a total creep. Make sure your photos are clear and let us get a good idea of what you will actually look like IRL when we meet in the near future. Do not set yourself up for failure.

And we love pictures of you with your dog. Dogs are cute.

Geez Louise!

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So, you have a friend that wants to set you up with someone. Awesome! It could go well, and it could go something like this…

In this particular case we had mutual friends who had been begging to set us up for months. Mr. Setup and I (and said mutual friends) were all at a wedding together and it finally seemed like the right time to insist, in front of both of us, that we go out. With no easy way out, we agreed to exchange numbers and get dinner soon.

After a few phone calls and texts we met out for dinner one Friday night. Our friends had put so much pressure on the evening that we had decided not to mention it to anyone…although that didn’t stop me from wondering if they were hiding out in the bushes of the patio at the restaurant we had chosen. The evening ended up being surprisingly fun and we decided that we would see each other again soon. I guess our friends were on to something!

The second date was equally fun and by our third date I knew it was the make or break night. He picked a nice restaurant and picked me up for the date. We arrived at the restaurant but had a short wait for a table. He was clearly a regular there and a waitress who he had gotten to know from eating there so many times came up to introduce herself. Not wanting to leave me out of the conversation, he turned to introduce me, saying “This is Louise.”

Confused, I looked around for a sweet old lady since I don’t know anyone under 70 named Louise. And it most definitely is not my name! The waitress smiles and says, “Hi! I’m Nikki.” Weird. Not her name either. Mr. Setup has clearly realized his mistake, but doesn’t correct himself. So we awkwardly make our way to the table and I debate for half a second if I should address the elephant in the room. The elephant who forgot my name.

itachigeezlouiseWe sit down, and I immediately have to know “Who’s Louise?” He has the decency to look contrite and tells me, “Gosh I feel like such an idiot, but all the guys at work were joking around saying ‘Geez Louise’ all day and now it’s stuck in my head. I don’t even know a Louise.”

Nice recovery dude. I’m not sure which is worse: My date calling me the wrong name, or picturing him saying ‘Geez Louise’ all day long. But it is such a weird thing to lie about that I forgot it and moved on with the rest of the evening. We had a nice dinner and he dropped me off back at my house. After a few days I hadn’t heard from him, and I got sort of suspicious about the Louise incident. I did some investigating and found out that he in fact had a previous girlfriend, who you guessed it was named Louise. And that was the end of that.
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Dear Married Friends

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Dear Married Friends,

Some of you are in truly enviable relationships. Others of you are not. We’re not marriage counselors so we’ll stick to what we know. This particular post is to simply say to you, our married friends, being thirty and single does not make us some kind of strange phenomenon like the world’s shortest woman at the local carnival that everyone sadly crowds around to look at. You were in the dating world once too, remember? It’s wasn’t smooth sailing then either.

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While we’ve addressed the issue that dating in your thirties is different than dating in your twenties, keep in mind that life throws all kinds of curveballs that may lead you back to the dating scene one day too. It’s truly not our wish for you, but it also wasn’t a wish come true to be trolling the internet looking for Mr. Right while we sip red wine in our PJ’s on a Tuesday night. Stop judging already – this is how people are dating now.

Being single is NOT something to pity. We are unbelievably proud of the strong successful women that we have become with or without a great relationship. The people to pity are those stuck in unfortunate relationships. Let’s all celebrate the fact that we made a grown-up, healthy decision to not be with someone who was no longer making us happy. Sure break-ups suck, but guess what? Our hearts are healed and we are officially single and ready to mingle!

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That being said, we are going to go ahead and RSVP a hard NO to the pity party you keep trying to throw for us. It is not “So Sad” that because we are dating we have these stories to tell. It’s just life and it happens to be ours right now. Also, your worried looks and constantly questioning if we are making smart choices on our latest dating adventures are not helping either.

We get it, some of these stories are pretty hilarious, and we’re happy to share…obvi. But, crazy as it may sound, we are not, in fact, dating just so we can sit around and entertain you with the “hilarity of our lives.” Waiting for a lull in conversation at your next wine and cheese gathering to proclaim “You guys have to hear the story about the latest idiot she went out with…” does not actually make us feel awesome.

Married friends, we love you and thanks for your interest in our dating life, but please respect the fact that we are not the hired entertainment for your evening’s enjoyment. This is our #reallife.

XOXO,
Your Single Friends